If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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