final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
