i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
