Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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