if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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