...so i touched it.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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