It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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