can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
