Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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