Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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