dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
