i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I still have a little drunk in my system
my nose is crying tears of wow.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
