you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
