once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Actions speak louder than pants.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
