someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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