The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
