it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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