My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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