So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Couch. On fire.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize