At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
