Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
