I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
