I'm really into asian looking animals
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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