my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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