Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
