im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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