just come out here and I will go home with you...
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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