I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
