tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
