remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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