After last night, I could never be a politician.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
