bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
