apparently the secret to your success is patron
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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