never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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