We're like a lot better than the average bears
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
