Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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