im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
