I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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