I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
