my vag is so smooth its legendary
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Naked Twister starts at high noon
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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