those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I am naked and annoyed.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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