Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
