my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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