dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
