Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
