24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
