Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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