We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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