her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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