I puked a lego.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
