People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
