i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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