in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
