There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
