highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
