I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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