why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
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