so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
