you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
