he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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