I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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