It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Randomize
