The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
